100 Word Stories - What a Jerk! (*advisory: mild language*) (Repost from Facebook, 9 January 2010)

Hell. Everyone’s got their own version of it. We’ve heard of the Greeks’ Underworld with Hades, a multi-headed dog, and the river of over-wrought music. Christians and Muslims have the fiery bowels of Hell itself. There’s enough ambiguity, Christians have added variations on the theme like Purgatory and Outer Darkness. Jews have a metaphorical pit of guilt and shame. Buddhists and Hindus have a sort of waiting room for punishments before coming back to Earth to take another crack at Nirvana.
Not even close. It’s an eternal game of Zobmondo, with literal consequences. Choose carefully: that Devil’s a bastard. Literally.

This was in response to the prompt of "Choose" from the 100 Word Podcast Weekly Challenge #194 (Week of 1/10/2010).

100 Word Stories - Unexpected Diversion (Repost from Facebook, 17 January 2010)

My name is [DETAILS REDACTED] –a, USA. Six years ago, halfway through a White House tour, I really needed to take a leak. So, I snuck off to find a toilet. On my way back, there was a man ahead of me, turning a corner. When I got there, it looked like a dead end – but I saw a panel closing, and a glimpse of a room behind it. There were Leprechauns on computers! Another man saw me, and the look on my face, and it all hit the fan. Before we knew, we were in [DETAILS REDACTED] –shire, England.

This was in response to the prompt of "I Saw It Move" from the 100 Word Podcast Weekly Challenge #195 (Week of 1/17/2010).

100 Word Stories - Gamers! (Repost from Facebook, 10 February 2010)

This story was not written for the 100 Word Stories podcast. It was part of an online forum contest. The challenge was to write a preciesly 100 word-long story about RPG's. This was inspired by my only attempt, so far, at being a GM.

Gamers!
GM: Sorry, you can’t use this character.
Player: Why not?
GM: Because this is a pirate adventure, and he’s a 13-year-old Chinese boy. In the Caribbean. In the 17th-Century. How did he get there?
Player: He’s on a journey of learning and spiritual self-discovery in preparation to becoming a Shaolin monk.
GM: Of course he is. But how did he get there?
Player: He decided he should go see this “New World” he’d heard of, and got captured.
GM: So now he’s a 13-year-old Chinese boy, captured by pirates! He’s gonna get passed around like rum.
Player: Oh…
GM: Yeah.
************************
My story was chosen as the winner of that little contest. It was a fun little feather to put in my cap, and I think I received a copy of a paperback novel about a Role-playing group's (mis-)adventures.

100 Word Stories - Show n' Tell (Repost from Facebook, 10 February 2010)

“Does anyone have anything for Sharing Time?” Miss Carson asked, hoping foul-mouthed Marcus didn’t. She sighed as his hand rose. “Marcus. Would you like to share something?”
“You betcher a-“
“It’s ‘Yes, Ma’am’, Marcus.”
“Yes, Ma’am. Yesterday, Pa was shovelin’ horse shi-”
“Manure, Marcus.”
“Sorry, Ma’am – manure. Anyway, the horse didn’t like him standing behind her a-”
“Her hindquarters, Marcus.”
“Yes, Ma’am – hindquarters. So, she kicked him in the bal-”
“Groin, Marcus!”
“Sorry, Ma’am – groin. He fell back and landed on an over-turned milk stool. The leg went right up his a-”
“Rectum, Marcus! Rectum!”
“Rectum? It darn-near kilt ‘im.”

I know it's not an original joke. This was in response to the prompt of "Kilt" from the 100 Word Podcast Weekly Challenge #196 (Week of 1/24/2010). I didn't feel like I could write a good story that involved actual kilts. Call it Writer's Block. And I've been told the best treatment for that is to just write anything. I guess this qualifies as "anything". I think you can probably guess the sort of story I would have come up with if the topic had been "barium".

100 Word Story - Epiphany of the Modern Day *Advisory - PG-13, Inferred Sexual Content and Alcohol Use* (Repost from Facebook, 10 February 2010)

He awoke with a groan. “What a night,” he thought. His mind brought him memories through the haze. “Mm, ‘Lacee’.” Through his hangover, he marveled that someone so hot had gone home with him, but he wasn’t about to complain.
He got up without disturbing his impromptu bedmate. As he stumbled toward the bathroom, he tripped on something fabric. It wasn’t silky, lacy or sexy. It was beige, stretchy and utilitarian: Spanx. He scanned the room: push-up bra, falsies, auburn wig. He quickly realized that last night’s “hotness” was not in his bed, but in pieces all over his room.

This was in response to the prompt of "Whatever you choose" from the 100 Word Podcast Weekly Challenge #197 (Week of 1/31/2010).

100 Word Story - Food Wars (Repost from Facebook, 10 February 2010)

Have you ever wondered where those disgusting cultural delicacies came from? Well, I’m gonna tell you anyway:
Every culture hates or fears foreigners, and each developed a way to intimidate them. Drinking games didn’t last long. It became a contest of edible one-up-man’s-ship, a culinary arms race, a game of gastronomic chicken. But you won’t recognize any chicken on that battlefield. The Britons have Blood Pudding. Hispanics have Menudo. Southerners have Chitlins. The Scots entered the war with Haggis. Koreans have Kimchi. The world didn’t know what to do when the Chinese brought animal penises. An immediate armistice was demanded.

This was in response to the prompt of "Haggis" from the 100 Word Podcast Weekly Challenge #198 (Week of 2/7/2010). I would have continued listing foods and countries or cultures, but that's why there's a 100-word limit.

100 Word Stories - Old Preacher's Oak (Repost from Facebook, 18 February 2010)

There’s a town in the valley with a peculiar tree growing amidst the ruins of a church. Its origin is so unique the town’s name changed from Johnson’s Elbow to Big Preacher’s Oak.
Long ago, in another village, a precocious girl named Esther was given a Wishing Stone by a hermit. He told her, “This will grant your heart’s true desire. But,” he warned, “You mustn’t cast your wish higgledy-piggledy.”
Finally, Esther knew what she wanted: this traveling preacher’s daughter was tired of traveling. Pinching the stone, she whispered, “I wish Papa would put down roots here in Johnson’s Elbow…”

This was in response to the combination prompt of "Whatever you choose..."/"Higgledy-piggledy"/"Tree" from the 100 Word Stories Podcast Weekly Challenge #199 (Week of 2/14/2010).
This was inspired by a sci-fi/fantasy-type story from a grade school Reading textbook. Feel free to let me know what you think.

100-Word Story - Fiddling Around (Repost from Facebook, 6 March, 2010)

“What have I got in my pockets?” The stranger casually fingered through his clothes, pretending to look for money he knew wasn’t there. Zara waited patiently, her fiddle dangling casually from her fingers.
Her offer seemed implausibly generous to him: a song for the largest bill in his pockets, sight-unseen. He wondered how she made a living; like most people, he didn’t carry cash anymore. During this distraction, Zara waggled her fingers surreptitiously. A now-familiar shock came over his face as he pulled a twenty from otherwise-empty pockets. She hid a smirk, pocketed her fee and played him his song.

This was in response to the of "What Have I Got In My Pockets?" from the 100 Word Stories Podcast Weekly Challenge #201 (Week of 2/28/2010).

100-Word Story - Geek-Child vs. Homophones (Repost from Facebook, 6 March 2010)

Every spring, I relive my greatest shame. When I was 9, I heard there would be try-outs at Yankee Stadium for “Batboys”. I couldn’t believe it: my lifelong dream of the past 6 years had come true. Amidst daydreams of patrolling our fair city by moonlight alongside our own caped-crusader (one I didn’t even know we had), I prepared my home-made costume for the auditions. It had to be perfect, naturally. I was so excited I could barely eat. I arrived an hour early; upon seeing the other kids, I refused to get out of the car. I hate baseball.

This was in response to the prompt of "Bats" from the 100 Word Stories Podcast Weekly Challenge #202 (Week of 3/07/2010).
I was really torn for most of the week about all the different ways you could interpret the word 'bats'. I considered the nouns: the club used to strike balls, the flying mammal; the verbs: what a baseball player does with the aforementioned club, what a cat does with objects it toys with, what a girl does with her eyelashes. I finally came up with a story the uses that confusion as the basis for the story.

Cameron, or the Cat? (Repost from Facebook, 21 March 2010)

We had a cherished guest leave our house this morning:
He was relaxed and easy-going. He made himself at home. He laid around a lot. He ate a lot. He slept a lot. He was potty-trained. He was mostly quiet. Sidny certainly didn't care for him, avoided him at all times, and hissed if he got too close, mostly out of fear and uncertainty.

He left this morning at around 10:30. We expect to see him again, probably not too far off. But his visits will probably be short and sporadic, but will be cherished for the time we have with him.

It doesn't matter who I'm actually talking about, because whoever you think I'm referring to, you're right.
*****************************************
This was in response to a stray cat from our neighborhood following my stepson up to our apartment and coming right in and making himself at home. Within a day or two of this, we missed him so much, my wife sent me out to track him down and bring him home. We helped him clean up, got him fixed and vaccinated and he has been a happy member of our little, furry family for four years and one month now.

100-Word Story - Watch Your Back (Repost from Facebook, 28 March 2010)

“Thank the Gods,” sighed Marc, as he narrowly avoided a small hole.
“Give it a rest, will you?” pleaded Geoff.
“What?” asked Marc.
“All that ‘By the Gods’, ‘Thank the Gods’, ‘Gods be praised’ rubbish,” Geoff snapped. “It’s nonsense, and ridiculously pretentious. You only started it after that ‘Ancient Mythologies in Modern Times’ class. You sound like an utter knob.”
Marc scowled as Geoff finished ranting. They continued walking down the street, but silently now. Behind Geoff’s back, Marc mumbled a curse by the Gods under his breath, and Geoff fell down an open manhole.
“I hate you,” Geoff groaned.
********************************
This was in response to the prompt of "gods" from the 100 Word Stories Podcast Weekly Challenge #204 (Week of 3/21/2010).

Repost (from Facebook, 27 June 2011) Goodbye, Old Friend

I saw "Marley & Me" for the first time last night. "Saw" might be stretching it - it was on while I was grilling the corn and hot dogs for dinner. We sat down to eat just in time for the final trip to the vet's office. I HATE THAT MOVIE! I will never watch it again. All I could think about was Benson, and how I wasn't able to be there for him when we passed. For all I knew, he thought I had just disappeared. He hung on as long as he could for me to come back and see him again, but he couldn't hang on long enough. (I couldn't help but think of Coco and Charlie, Sandy and Tiger, too. That didn't help.) I miss you, Benson. I loved you as much as any other little boy could love his dog. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.

Fund Anything! I'm raising funds

I have decided to be more proactive about using my time more positively. My current job runs on a 4x10 schedule, so I have three days off every week, and they're all in the middle of the traditional work week. Left to my base and inherent instincts and proclivities, I would spend them doing very little in the way of positive activity. Mostly, so far, and shamefully, I have spent the majority of my time fiddling around on Facebook and the wider interwebz and watching TV, mixing in some household chores, etc. to keep our domicile running smoothly. That's not acceptable. Not only is it completely selfish, it's wasteful. This was recently brought to glaring truth when I was taken off work temporarily to rehab from a sprained back, when I realized I was doing almost nothing differently from my typical days off before the injury. Pathetic. I can do better.
So, I have decided I will do better. Along those lines, and considering the lost wages, I remembered FundAnything. It's a groovy website where people can create a fund-raising campaign for literally anything they want. It's very much like Kickstarter, except that you don't have to reach your goal to receive the funds you raise with FundAnything. So, I can use crowd-sourced funding to help motivate me to be productive and expand my mind, and hopefully, bring in a little bit of money to help us pay our bills. I wanted to be modest about it, so I set what I felt was a realistic and reasonable goal: $1000. This is less than our monthly rent, but a little more than one of my bi-weekly paychecks. Most importantly, it's enough to get back to a position of financial security we have been lacking. My campaign can be found here.
And, since I have included a link to this site with my campaign, I will be posting some samples of my writing for those who are considering donating to my cause to see what they might receive.

A Brit's Take on NBC, Conan, Leno, and American Late Night TV

It's been awhile since I've last posted, but who reads a non-blog anyway? This is ego stroking or self-indulgence, anyway, so I would only be apologizing to myself. Well, go sit and spin, Potzi! I'm not apologizing.

I regularly listen to a podcast of the hosts' banter from a radio show from Absolute Radio in London, UK. I have never listened to it over broadcast signal, so I have no frakking clue what they're frequency is, so the FCC and Ofcom (pronounced "off comm" for anyone who's never heard the name said. I had only heard it, and had to look up the spelling.) can bite my bum. It's called Geoff Lloyd's Hometime Show (The time slot we call "Drive Time" on American radio, some Brits call "Home Time", because it's time to go home, see?). Last Thursday, 1/21/10, he did what most radio shows over here were doing, and weighed in on the NBC snafu with Jay and CoCo (I won't get into how bizarre it is that the names that have come out of this are my wife's nickname for me, and our late pet bunny's name. It's like a strange Buddy Cop movie title/plot: "One's an overweight man in his mid-thirties. The other one's a stuffed rabbit. Together, they're Jay and Coco!").

Anyway, while I found it quite amusing listening to a Limey radio DJ try and explain both American Late Night TV and this specific situation to both his co-hosts and his audience, it actually made me realize something: "Anyone could manage NBC better than the people doing it right now."

For your listening pleasure, I have edited the podcast audio, and included the clip here. For more information, you can go to www.absoluteradio.co.uk. All material is the copyright of the originator, and not mine. All rights are reserved by the same.

My Status as a Celebrity (Non)Blogger

I think my status as a Celebrity (Non)Blogger may have jumped up a notch: I was selected as a recipient of a pair of tickets to the Michael Jackson Memorial Service at the STAPLES Center. However, I'm still not a typical celebrity blogger. For the most part, I don't give a stuff about celebrities or their sundry and sordid activities. I'm a bit of a geek (as my other posts pretty much scream), but I'm also a fiscal Conservative, and a political Libertarian, and love the idea of a Free Market. Plus, attending will mean missing work, and driving. Now, because of this Capitalistic entrepreneurial spirit, and a dash of naivete, I expected to be able to sell the tickets through eBay or craigslist, and come out a little ahead. While I might have guessed that the more homoginized eBay would shy away from allowing auctions, but I didn't count on a communal fascism by the moderators of craigslist. I really wasn't surprised when eBay pulled my posting, and informed me they were not permitting sales of any of the various forms in which the tickets may be transacted on a secondary market. They're a corporation, and have consistently followed their own not-dissimilar precedents in previous cases. I was taken by surprise when I had an initial post taken down by craigslist first thing this morning. I assumed at first that somebody had decided I couldn't possibly have the tickets in-hand yet (which was correct), or that since I had listed a price of $1000, the posting triggered someone's anti-scalping radar. Later, after I had the tickets, and had found a dozen other postings for tickets, I tried again. Again, within 15 minutes, they pulled my posting again. This time, I decided to investigate the moderator forums to see if there another user had posted something there about having a Michael Jackson Memorial ticket posting taken down. Eventually, after wading through a surprising amount of bitching and whining by users who couldn't figure out why their posts for massage therapist services or job offers were taken down, I found a post about someone in similar circumstances. This is when I discovered that craigslist was not the anarchist's utopia. In this communal moderator's orgy was a fascism that I never would have suspected from a group of people so easily imagined as a modern hippie commune. The group doesn't allow postings that establish or imply competitions or auctions; in the recent light of the crackdown on "adult services" and singles ads that made people associate craigslist with the sleazier dregs of society, they are more sensitive about ads that might use language "suggestive" of these "adult services". One of the ads flagged for closure, and suspected of degrading of the site's reputation, had offered an extra ticket to anyone who could write a couple lines showing "what they were willing to do" to attend the memorial, despite giving examples of feats such as writing a poem, or singing a Michael Jackson song, etc.

Anyway, I have severly digressed. At this pont, I am fully planning on attending the service. The tickets are too good not to. (They're on the Club/Premiere Level, right by where I can logically presume the stage will be.) Plus, all-in-all, I still grew up on his music, and the music of several of the announced performers. But, I also still have an extra ticket, and unused wristband. I am declaring them up for bid. If there is anyone interested, please post a comment here, and we can arrange to meet at a Starbucks somewhere near STAPLES Center prior to the event tomorrow.

I thought I'd post my pirate name...

 

    My pirate name is:

    

 

    Iron Morty Vane    

  

 

    A pirate's life isn't easy; it takes a tough person. That's okay with you, though, since you a tough person. You tend to blend into the background occaisionally, but that's okay, because it's much easier to sneak up on people and disembowel them that way.    Arr!

    

  Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network

  

Twittering with the Geeks

I recently watched the "I Am a Geek" video put out by the Society for Geek Advancement. Since I expect my audience is intelligent (I know it is, because at this time, my audience consists of Me), I won't insult anyone's intelligence by putting links everywhere for the video. To make sure it doesn't get lost in the fathomless archives of expired content in them thar "inter-tubes" I will probably post with the video imbedded. When I do, I will include a link to Wil Wheaton's blog post about it, and the subsequent discussion by his audience. I actually found it all pretty interesting. I also found myself doing my best emotional/intellectual impression of Charlie Brown: "Yeah, that's right. The video pandered to us!" "Oh, that's a good point. We're being elitist by critcizing them." "Yeah, you're right, too: we're all geeks in our own way." "But you're right, as well: this is just publicity seeking." "OK, you've got a point. It might be genuine; who are we to judge?" ad nauseum...

Anyway, I watched the video after reading Wil's post, and all his comments. The only part I was really offended by was when someone (and if I was the "right kind" of geek, I'd have recognized him, and be able to recall who he was off the top of my head) said, in reference to D&D and Magic: The Gathering, "But they look really fun." He said it in a very condescending tone that one can only truly understand when they've heard it and been on the receiving end of it for years. That douche-nozzle really was the only part that truly bothered me. I've seen That Guy before. I've met That Guy before. I hate That Guy. I've been That Guy, and that's what makes me feel the worst: he looks at people he sees as "Geekier" than him, and thinks he's cool, even if he's only cooler than "some Geeks". Yeah, that was a cheap shot from the Jock-tionary, and I feel appropriately dirty for it. Don't worry, I'm atoning: I'm watching Reaper and Mythbusters on my DVR, while typing this post in one of two open browsers, each with multiple open tabs, and neither of which is Internet Explorer. And I will be listening to Geek-centric podcasts on my commute (things like GeekSpeak, Geek Survival Guide, All Games Considered, On Board Games, How Stuff Works, Geek Acres, etc.)

The true point of this post was to share something that I found in my Twitter feed. Wired.com published an article on their site informing people of their top 100 Geeks to follow on Twitter. I was pleased to see that I was already following at least 10 of them via my own discovery. But I was also really excited about all the others that I discovered in there. I followed everyone that was listed as Contributors of the "I Am a Geek" video, fully intending to cull the herd as I decided which ones were worth continuing to follow. Most of the contributors are in the media, but a lot of them are in the Geek Media, and are the initiators and creators of their outlets.

Anyway, here's the link to the article: Wired.com's 100 Geeks you Should Be Following On Twitter

It's not an entertaining article, so don't expect the barrel of laughs I provide here... erm - yeah. So, anyway. That's all.

Update!

Well, I wouldn't be much of a "celebrity blogger", or even a "twitter blogger" if I didn't keep my fans posted on updates.

Despite my suspicions and what I felt was ironclad evidence to the contrary, Valebrity has validated Melissa Gilbert and Kirstie Alley on Twitter.  Maybe the only evidence we will need in the future is if I think it's clear that someone is a fake.  Heck, I thought that the original digital Laser Discs could never be replaced by something as small as a CD, and still give as good of quality. Boy, did I look like a fool a year later.  With that kind of track record, if I'd been old enough, I probably would have backed Betamax. The only reason I avoided embarrassment with BluRay vs. HD-DVD, is because I never picked a side, and "Format War II: Sony's Revenge" didn't last long enough to force me to. It was partly strategic: I didn't want to pick the wrong side again, and look just as stupid as with the Laser Disc vs. DVD issue. At least that never got high enough on the radar to even be considered a format war. It was more of a brief genocide, culminating in full obliteration. None of the other formats were even aware of it. No sanctions were issued, or reprisals or reparations demanded. It was quick and clean, almost surgical.  At least I wasn't in a position to buy a Laser Disc player. Then I really would have looked like an idiot. Unlike now, when I'm writing about celebrity validations on Twitter...I feel sick. 

My detective hat is on!

For those who like to follow celebrities on Twitter, the validity of that celebrity's identity is crucial: if it's an imposter, you're just one of the gullible masses, but if it's genuine, you feel like you're getting a secret, inside glimpse of their glamorous life.  Anytime a celebrity appears on Twitter, it quickly becomes a race to find out if they're authentic.  Recently, Ben Jones (@benjonesdj) was interviewing Hugh Jackman (who confirmed he's the genuine twitter article: @realhughjackman).  Ben told Hugh that he was following someone called @Seth_Rogen who was pimping out Seth's latest movie Observe and Report, but Seth Rogen revealed in an interview (listen here) that he isn't using the service.  The celebrity validation game is big enough that websites have popped up to help reassure people that they're not gullible losers.  The most reputable is Valebrity. Their website is http://valebrity.com. They also have a Twitter profile, naturally: @valebrity.

Anyway, enough "hard journalism": during the past 24-48 hours, Kirstie Alley and Melissa Gilbert (currently listed as @KirstieAlley and @MelissaEGilbert) have been Tweeting back and forth incessantly about everything!  Yesterday started with the alleged Kirstie Alley lambasting Harvey Levin (@HarveyLevinTMZ) and TMZ (@TMZ), and asking for help from her Tweeps finishing a colorful idiom: "YOU ARE NOT A LAWYER, YOU ARE A ____".  The alleged Melissa chimed in with "liar" (who knows if she meant this as a reference to the similar line from the Jim Carrey movie Liar, Liar, or not).  The winning entry was someone offering the "C" word.  Yes, that "C" word.

Later the Alleged Miss K tweeted responses that she was genuine.  She even promised updated pictures that would show her to be authentic.  However, rather than posting "twitpics", she seemed to just be updating her profile pic. The current pic (you'll see it when you click on her profile link) is an obvious fake.  The poor lighting and bad resolution made it obvious enough, imo, but the supposed writing on the note, when viewed larger, is clearly digital pen work in some kind of editing program like MS Paint, or Adobe PhotoShop.

Now, finally, to the reason I'm writing this: A genuine celebrity Emma Kennedy (she's a British author, but she's real, and really her: @EmmaK67) has been on top of the mad Tweeting between these two Surreal Life "Wish List" candidates.  She has been urging the Alleged Miss K to validate herself with Valebrity, to no avail, so far (which I take as further evidence of her fraudulent status).  She also declared that she needed a Huggy Bear to do some snooping.  This is where I come in!  I volunteered, and due to my geographically advantageous position (ie, I live in California, and she lives in England), she recruited me.

Let it be known, far and wide, that I am on the case! During my non-working hours, I will be doing my best to solve this case.  Right now, my efforts are focused on Miss K.  She seems the most likely candidate to be fake, and the easiest to confirm.

I have placed a call to her agent, Scott Henderson at William Morris.  I am waiting for a return call. I am hopeful, but I'm also an incurable optimist, so we'll see.  I have also placed a call to Miss M's agent, Erwin Moore (also with William Morris).  OK, this was done live, and it turns out that Melissa is no longer represented by Mr. Moore. I am now calling Scott Henderson's office back.

It's ringing. Voicemail!  Curses...well, now it's a waiting game. I have to get ready to go to work.

More Geekery

I've decided to post a couple more pictures that I need a URL for. I play a free MMORPG called Runes of Magic. These are my characters:
Shorok, Level 7 Barbarian:


Harald Big Paw, Level 11 Warrior: